Tag Archives: Forgiveness

Take Back Your Power

Taking the first step

The emotional & mental turmoil suffered by those who’ve experienced abusive situations (of any sort) can last a lifetime…it’s never easy but it is possible to move forward

The first step for victims of abuse…any form of abuse…assuming that it has been acknowledged & dealt with appropriately by the relevant outside agencies is for the survivor to begin to come to terms with their situation by understanding that what happened to them is not now and never was their fault.

Abusers are generally speaking both manipulative and clever in the way they program their victims to believe that they in some way are to blame and to be honest are uniformly successful in their quest such is their power over their victims.

To suggest that survivors ”get over it” is a common misconception and whilst some do indeed appear to have done just that closer inspection will usually belie the true extent of the psychological damage as evidenced for instance by addictions, self harming, mental health issues etc.

Surviving abuse is in itself a bit of a cleft stick…by definition anyone who comes through it alive is a survivor and should be proud of being so but in reality the survivors of abuse fall squarely into two camps those who learn to cope and those who don’t.

Which camp any of us fall into is part of the lottery of life. For instance how can 2 survivors of the same type of abuse (if not by the same person) find one well-balanced and adjusted to their situation whilst the next person will have withdrawn from life and spiraled into an addictive lifestyle which will almost certainly waste what’s left of their lives.

Sue Curr Motivational Speaker & Author

Have The Courage to be who you really are

The key is just one word – FORGIVENESS! 

The art of forgiveness is a twofold process first we have to forgive ourselves. Forgive ourselves for not knowing what we didn’t know…the fact that we..you..any abuse victims are NEVER to blame…and then and here is the big one and to be honest the one thing that many struggle to come to terms with FORGIVENESS of the perpetrator!!

Now I KNOW how difficult even impossible that concept is for many people but the fact of the matter is until such a time as we are ready, willing and/or able to do this then we will and do remain firmly shackled by the chains of the past.

The past and the abuser once brought to accountability have no further power over us other than that we choose to give it. Whilst ever we are at a point that we can’t move forward because of what’s happened to us then the abuser remains both in our minds and hearts and most definitely in control.

The act of forgiveness should NEVER be about the other person but always about ourselves. Why because in all honesty they rarely if ever acknowledge that they have done anything wrong and as such don’t accept their responsibility for their part in your trauma.

How should we go about taking this enormous and extremely challenging step?

Sue Curr Motivational Speaker & Author

Take back the power

Meet them in person and speak to them face to face?

Possibly dependent upon circumstances if you are able to be calm & look the person in the eye…only you will know if you are at that point even if it is possible..but I would ALWAYS suggest doing so within controlled circumstances with the presence of an unbiased 3rd party for your support.

In writing?

Almost certainly…writing gives us the freedom to say anything and everything we ever wanted to say but were afraid to for fear of backlash and retribution but the beauty of it is that once we’ve given voice to the words by putting them down on paper we have acknowledged both them and what they represent. By doing so we have taken the first all important step to recovery or ”getting over it”. Once you’ve written everything down, read it out loud to yourself but as though you’re speaking to the other person and then in one of the most empowering moments you will ever experience (making sure it’s safe to do so) set light to it and watch it burn. As it burns acknowledge that this is the end of that period of your life begin to look to new beginnings. When we’ve done this it naturally underpins and reinforces the major way in which forgiveness not only occurs but is most powerful.

Mentally!!

Absolutely, definitely YES!

Tell yourself and often that in forgiving the other it’s not for them, it never is. Remember that in forgiving them you are taking positive action to set yourself free from the past and move forward into the future…your future, one in which they have no place.

Not in any sense physical, emotional or psychological. In doing so you are taking away their power and reclaiming your right to live your life, in your own way and on your own terms.

Do you ever ”get over” being abused? 

Realistically speaking you will probably never,ever forget what happened to you but perhaps for the first time you can celebrate the fact that you survived (remember many don’t) and begin treating every new day as the opportunity it is…one where today you will finally choose to be happy!!

Will it be easy? NO!

Will it be worth it? Absolutely. Always YES! 

Good Luck!!!

Forgiveness The Universal Gift

FORGIVENESS media file

Forgiveness: the action or process of forgiving or being forgiven

Forgiveness brings with it a calm, acceptance that what is done, is done and it no longer has a hold over you, the FREEDOM that it brings with it clears the path to a future filled with a renewed sense of optimism and hope.

Yet it is one of the most difficult states of mind to achieve as generally speaking we tend to hang onto past hurt or perceived wrongs against us. We hold onto feelings of angst and betrayal when we think of how we’ve suffered at the hands of others and on occasion if we’re brutally honest with ourselves we use these negative feelings and reactions to feed our sense of  wounded indignity as we succumb to being or becoming a ”victim” of the circumstances which made us feel this way in the first place.

It’s a perfectly natural reaction to assume the demeanor of an injured party when someone has ”wronged” us in some way or we’ve ”fallen foul” of a situation over which we had no control. Very often after we’ve had time to reflect and  in the cold light of day the majority of us with a little thought and maybe gentle prompting can usually come to see things more clearly and accept that at the very least there were reasons (not excuses mind) for what had gone before. Having said that the stark reality is we are all of us human and as such are realistically far more inclined to take our initial knee jerk adverse reaction and run with it allowing it to gain momentum over time and before we know it we are unable to move on, over or past this ”thing” which has wounded us so. In essence we become stuck.

In my life so far I’ve come very slowly BUT very surely to learn and more importantly to understand some very valuable lessons. Firstly everything in life is TEMPORARY….time, emotions, situations…everything. Secondly everything is as it’s MEANT to be for NOW….when we have learned the lesson which we need to from any given situation then we can and do move on and perhaps MOST importantly thirdly how other people act is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY but how we REACT is OURS!

Let’s just take a moment here to understand that VERY OFTEN before we can forgive others OR indeed expect them to forgive us….we first of all HAVE TO FORGIVE OURSELVES!!!

If then we take these three ”core lessons” and apply them to ANY situation which may be requiring of FORGIVENESS we must come to understand that;

TEMPORARY means exactly that, no matter how wounded, upset, angry or emotional we are about something it WILL subside and in time fade at the very least to a level at which we can at least consider the option that IF it was;

MEANT to be, what was the lesson we needed to learn from it and moreover how can we grow from that same lesson?

I know probably more than most how DIFFICULT this particular lesson is to take on board. I know only too well that the fear, misery and emotional turmoil brought about by not only the perceived ”wrongs” but the possibility that all the months and years of ”holding on” to those same ”wrongs” could have been so very different IF I had been open to the possibility that ”yes I was the injured party” BUT what if the reason for that was simply that I needed to learn a lesson to help me not only grow as an individual but to move on positively with my life? So then to the premise of the third lesson that of;

RESPONSIBILITY & REACTION; it is perfectly true to say that how others act is their responsibility and how we react to it is ours. I have found (admittedly late in the day) that in the short term at least NO REACTION at all is the better option, at least whilst I consider my RESPONSE which is a very different scenario altogether! If we take on board that in stressful situations, especially those where we are emotional or hurt in some way and we react in an adverse manner it could actually be this factor which becomes the catalyst for a protracted period of hurt, emotional turmoil or even estrangement from someone. Lets be clear, whilst in all likelihood our adverse reactions wouldn’t be the actual cause of any difficulties they most certainly COULD be the reason behind wasted years of frustration, upset, anxiety and alienation with the added complication of us being left ”on the outside looking in” as others close to us fail to understand why or even how we could be ”so unreasonable”. Trust me on this when I say I REALLY DO know what that feels like and having been there would urge anyone …..in the first instance….to always consider their response rather than come to regret a knee jerk reaction.

You must understand that I’m not advocating we roll over and surrender in any of this. Not at all. What I’m suggesting is that EVEN in the most trying of circumstances we should give ourselves space. Space to breath. Space to understand that what we’re feeling is temporary and will pass. Space to contemplate that what is happening is meant to be happening for a reason. Space to give ourselves time to understand that ultimately our reaction to the situation WILL play a part in determining the outcome.

Of course it can and indeed does take years for us to reach a place where we are willing to consider any of the above as possibilities and even then PRIDE will often become a stumbling block to restoring communications as we struggle with the concepts of ”having to back down” or ”why should I be the one to make the first  move”.

When find ourselves then in situations which ARE requiring of FORGIVENESS what are we supposed to do? Do we just take a deep breath and mentally forgive someone or something? Do we demand an acceptable explanation or apology before conferring forgiveness? Do we try and understand or consider the bigger picture. Do we simply do nothing at all and allow any ill feeling, estrangement or alienation to continue indefinitely? 

Or:

DO WE CONVINCE OURSELVES THAT NOTHING’S WRONG & EVEN IF IT IS, IT’S THEIR FAULT, THEIR LOSS?

For me the best advice I could possibly offer anyone would quite simply be this –  ultimately accept the situation for what it  is, release the need to understand the dynamics of it, relinquish the need for control (if you don’t apologize I won’t………??) simply let it find its own level, let it be. There’s an old adage……’‘least said soonest mended” and that is obviously a matter of personal choice but………..

In CHOOSING to forgive someone or something (including YOURSELF) do so NOT because you expect them to be grateful…chances are they won’t be because they will rarely have taken responsibility for their part in the situation.

Forgive them because in doing so you will be setting yourself FREE.

Free from the burden of being STUCK. Free from any associated GUILT you may feel for your part in it all. Free from the power which someone or something has held over you for far too long. Free from anxiety, upset and emotional turmoil and in doing so you instantly become FREE to stop looking backwards and start looking FORWARD to the future. YOUR FUTURE and one that is indeed awash with the prospect of a renewed optimism and fresh HOPE.

Secure in the knowledge that

FORGIVENESS HAS BECOME YOUR PASSPORT TO FREEDOM